You Can’t Have it All
Values only matter if you know what yours are and actually live by them. And no, that’s not easy. It takes work, practice, and real self-honesty. You won’t nail it perfectly—no one does—because here’s the thing: you can’t live out every value at the same time.
One of the biggest lies in self-help is the idea that if you just think positively and visualize hard enough, you can “have it all.” You can’t. Nobody does. We all make constant trade-offs. You might take a job you don’t love for stability. Leave someone you love because your dreams pull you elsewhere. Skip writing your novel to be there for a friend. Every decision comes with a cost, and most of the time you’re not choosing between good and bad—you’re choosing between two things you care about.
So the better question isn’t “How can I have it all?” It’s: Which trade-off serves me best, based on who I am and what I value right now?
Choosing Your Struggle
Every value you choose demands sacrifice. If you choose honesty, you sacrifice approval. If you value depth, you give up simplicity. You don’t get to avoid struggle in life, you only get to choose what you struggle for.
A person who chooses stability may forgo novelty. Someone who values independence might endure loneliness. The question isn’t whether you suffer, but whether your suffering serves something that actually matters to you. Most people drift through trade-offs unconsciously, suffering without context. When you don’t know what value your struggle is serving, the pain feels meaningless.
Choosing your values is also choosing your pain. They are what you’re willing to bleed for. So when you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself: What value am I struggling for right now? Is it worth the price I’m paying? That simple question can turn pain into purpose, effort into meaning, and failure into growth.
Exercise : Ranking and Prioritizing your Values
Take the values you identified from the previous exercises and force yourself to pick the top 5. This can feel challenging, but it clarifies which values take priority when resources (like time or energy) are limited. Here are some prompts that can help you narrowing down your value list to the most important ones.
- If you had to choose only one for a year, would you rather have a job that offers immense stability and comfort or one filled with risk, growth, and excitement? (This probes security vs. adventure/growth).
- Imagine a major project. Is it more important to you that it is done perfectly (excellence), or that it is done collaboratively with your team (connection/teamwork), even if imperfect?
- When facing a difficult truth or a tough situation, is your default to prioritize harmony (peace, avoiding conflict) or authenticity (expressing your true feelings, even if it causes tension)?
- The “Why” Drill. Take a value you’re considering (e.g., “freedom”) and ask: “Why is that important to me?”
- If you say “freedom,” ask: “Why?” “So I can explore my own interests.”
- “Why is exploring your own interests important?” “So I can keep learning and growing.”
- You may find “growth” is a deeper core value than “freedom.” Do this for a few of your top contenders.
- Imagine you’re mentoring someone. You can only pass on 5 guiding principles to live by. What would they be?
- Look at your shortlist. If you were forced to discard one forever, which would be the easiest to let go? (This helps eliminate nice-to-haves).
- Which values, if you could not live by them, would make you feel like a stranger to yourself?
This article was adapted from “Your Values Guide” by Mark Manson.